All's Fair in Love and Despair

“A writer once said that it is not time that changes man, nor knowledge; the only thing that can change someone’s mind is love. What nonsense! The person who wrote that clearly knew only one side of the coin.

Love was undoubtedly one of the things capable of changing a person’s whole life, from one moment to the next. But there was the other side of the coin, the second thing that could make a human being take a totally different course from the one he or she had planned; and that was despair. Yes, perhaps love really could transform someone, but despair did the job more quickly.”

I just started a new Coelho novel tonight, entitled Eleven Minutes, while I waddled away in my loneliness, and wondered as to why I let you leave me alone to beg for attention once again. As the hours passed, first my frustration grew; eventually it led to anger; and finally, it docked at despair. Despair. I started to think of the things I could never expect from you. Of my constant longing for affection. Of everything you one day were, and now, either willingly or forcefully, have stopped to be. Most importantly, I started to think about what your eyes used to assure me of: respect. Respect I have been deprived of for some time now, only sometimes unknowingly.

By the time you called, every line on my face was etched with despair. I said I was apologizing “in hopes of” – yet another one of life’s daily paradoxes. I was hopeless. Your call angered me. Your calm tone in response to my tears. Your pretending like everything will be alright. Your favorite new line: we’ll talk tomorrow. Tomorrow never seems to come these days.

Yet after hanging up… I started to wonder about love. About love and the conversation and your alibi and the loss of a loved one. Despair had driven me to say hateful things. Despair had driven you to call me selfish on a day I had told you I required your full attention. And then… How many times have I wept having one of my parents go away on a flight, not having made amends, worried stiff, thinking the unthinkable, that hollow what if…? What if I never got to speak to them again? And it got me thinking, how sure could I be that you would go to sleep tonight and wake up tomorrow morning? How sure could I be that something terrible won’t happen to you in the blink of an eye, and I won’t ever be able to take back what I said?

That’s why I texted you that message… the one you still haven’t replied to. Love took over once again. I realized that no matter how much my pride would hurt from taking the first step and throwing myself off my wall of stubbornness; it couldn’t compare with the hurt my heart would feel if I were to have to hold those last words in for the rest of my life.

Thinking over my words, people reading this might think I’m finally close to attaining my goal of living in the moment; I’ve only achieved the easier half. In the first part of this whole obscene mess, I focused on the past: I let despair take control. In the last, the future ruled mightily, along with my heart.

I’d love to say that if one of us were to regret what we did tonight, I hope it wouldn’t have to be you regretting never having replied. But the truth of the matter is…

::15:29::   (5) comments