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October 29, 2010

Confessions of a Tischaholic -5- auster vs. calle

Not all books can haunt--and not all audiences possess the mystical potential to be haunted, to reckon with ghosts.


Leviathan haunts, passionately; and I'm excessively susceptible to becoming the haunted.
It was love at first sight (site? cite?).


Once upon a time, in a land far far away, there lived a little girl named Sophie. As all little girls, Sophie had numerous wonderful talents, such as chasing rainbows and strangers; but she excelled best at growing up. In fact, she was so exemplary at this one act, that people gave her gaily wrapped gifts and presents every year as proof; and to this very day the crazy colorful packages are the first glinting articles reflected in the mirrors of the eyes of anyone who visits her warm and welcoming home.* Legend has it that sometimes the shimmering pools of light have made people leave her apartment completely blind. You see, having grown up to the point of perfection, Sophie became an object of envy –by both grown-up little girls and boys alike.


But, as luck would have it, one grown-up little boy –who lived not too far away– stood apart from this dreary crowd of spiteful on-lookers. It’s still a baffling mystery to many, how Paul came to possess such desirable and alluring magical powers. “Could it be that he was the chosen one?” people would ask silently. Some speculate that his secret resided in the shards of broken glass he carried around in his pockets; they say he’d been seen around town, pulling them out of his pockets and bestowing them upon passersby who seemed to have forgotten the beauty they reflected when they smiled and talked to strangers. But my dear, what’s important isn’t the number of raging two-headed monsters and terrifying fire-breathing chimeras he had to fight in order to find the light. What matters is that once he discovered it, he tried to ignite sparks within those that crossed his path –even himself. In the course of illumination, Paul found himself to be a Peter –and not just any Peter, but the Peter who had glimpsed the inner Maria in grown-up little Sophie. And one day, as Sophie stood –far far away– in her phone booth covered in the mirrors she kept surreptitiously, she caught two things: a flash of Maria, and fire. As she walked out of the cubicle, rising fresh from her ashes, she knew, for certain, that she had once again found true love. And they –Paul and Peter– lived happily ever after.


* "Don't tell me the moon is shining/show me the glint of light on broken glass." - Anton Chekhov
excerpt written apropos my unofficial, unannounced, and unapproved collaboration with my own good friend...

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September 7, 2010

Guilty Pleasures -1- Eat, pray, love

About a month ago, we hung out. Old friends, kicking it around. Or so I thought.
We went to the movies; it was my idea, dinner and movies on me. How else can one properly celebrate a birthday with only two people around?

I could have done more, yes. But I was burnt out. This past summer really did me in. I loved every minute of it, sure. I'm murderously obsessed with school, umhum. And yet, I still feel mentally and physically behind myself. I'm already looking forward to next summer, since I've made plans to spend my winter break finishing up my play, writing up the theory, and developing the blueprint for my final project. Excited, really. Very very tired, truly.

The movie ended, discussions ensued. It must be weird to live in a world where "praying" and "loving" become cliches to its inhabitants. My friend said the scenes from India and Bali provoked no internal response.

It's equally bizarre to share an intimate setting with someone for long days, only to become aware of the fact that you're coursing through different time/space equations; to realize that what was will never be again, and to bear witness to the simple truth that even the closest friends can become unapologetically estranged.

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August 20, 2010

Confessions of a Tischaholic -2- first impressions

Tragedies are crafted when it's realized that your intro to your intro portfolio probably could do with its own intro.

An Introduction to Introduction to Performance Studies: The Things Performance Studies Does

Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.

–Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina

Yellow brick buildings, dating back to the early 1930s. Towering trees providing shade for the vast spread of walkways occupying the space between the yellow bricks and the green patches of grass and botany. Water running down quickly in the small brooks aligning the pavement, the meditative trickling sound of its jubilance evoking memories of chasing after your feet while running down a soft slope on a cool summer day. A stray cat here, a love-stricken couple there, crows lurking in the skies, crowds generating distant brouhahas, books and magazines and newspapers held in hands, backpacks and messenger bags slung over the confident figure of youth, the defeated student leaning against a tree which grants the support lacking in an infelicitous romantic relationship –all makings for a typical college campus.

Except this college campus is anything but typical, located in the heart of a city which does anything but boast its approximate population of 12 million. The city is Tehran, capital to a climatically diverse country sometimes still referred to as Persia, which for its inhabitants resonates a time of greatness. A time that –given the linearity with which they have been taught to progress through temporal dimensions– they have no hopes of ever experiencing, ever repeating, except by its realization via their rich oral culture. A culture driven to basements under a totalitarian regime fearful of its own shadow, and concealed in the safe depths of the hearts of its loyal parish. An oral (aural) tradition fabled to be safeguarded behind the affective gazes of the students constituting this very college’s devoted body. The college, the oldest new school in the Middle East. The college, a university. The college, The University of Tehran.

And at this non-typical university, there are very typical schools –highly typical departmental divisions. The five-story School of Engineering sits opposite its twin, the School of Sciences, with a park moderate in size disjointing the two. To forge a connection seems impossible in this narration, for the narrator is well-aware of a grave injustice; an injustice stemming from the lack of justice of the type Derrida was concerned with. A justice impregnated with a sense of responsibility to those not present; or better to say, those whose absence signifies their presence. The absentee here is a free-standing Persian language: ruptured and colonialized by the penetration of French, Arabic and English, this living force serves not just as an archival form, but as a repertoire for the Iranian population. This repertoire consists of an embodiment of the textual repository of knowledge, thus rendering it transmittable in a visceral fashion. As a culture which expresses, acts, and lives with and through its poetic language, this infiltration –while problematic– also serves as a problem which unifies and links different societal generations. A DNA pattern, one based in performance, is formed in this bothersome way.

Let us return however, to the problem arising from linking –in a totalitarian fashion unaware of the true happenings within the campus– the two aforementioned structures. This dilemma is embedded in the very name of the “School of Sciences,” for this school is not the school of sciences at all. Or at least, its Persian name –which in fact uses an Arabic term– does not imply so. In this literal translation, sciences is meant to represent the term o’loum: an Arabic word in the plural form, the singular of which is elm. The trouble here, is that based on its mode of employment in Farsi, elm should be translated as knowledge. Translation thus becomes a double-edged sword: not only is this complexity one emergent from translation, but it is also one only recognizable through translation.

In a world where mere words do things, where uttering a statement can make it so, referring to “knowledge” as “science” engenders a crisis, the extent of which is hidden to no one dedicated to the study of performance. To performance studies, epistemology is grounded in embodied comprehension: performance knowledge is a form of knowledge which is embodied. Words –which perform actions in their own respect, and can elicit actions in return– are also vessels which bottle knowledge. This is precisely why translation is so fundamental to this field of study; as important perhaps, as articulation to the arena of everyday life. And if we’re to accept the veracity –or the felicity– of Roderick Hart’s statement, “freedom goes to the articulate,” then perhaps we can go a step further and conclude that proper translation is a must, if we are ever to approach the hopes of a just society, which understands the importance of artistic and aesthetic expression to the annihilation of totalitarian rule.

Since we have already docked at the School of Sciences, let us investigate it further. At this school, one can excel in one of many academic fields: Chemistry, Physics, Mathematics, and other “core” sciences. Yet whatever discipline is chosen, one must also decide upon a branch: Pure or Practical, that is the question! While the dichotomous structure imposed in this manner can be effortlessly deconstructed with a gentle critical push, it is one worth considering; for its roots speak to our ontological understanding of disciplinary fields in the academic world. Our need to somehow arbitrarily classify that which we realize through not just our five senses, but also our sixth, has led to our creation of countless “either/or” dichotomies. While we may do so with the intent of increasing our ease of access to the material, natural, and supernatural world surrounding us, we are in fact partaking in a losing battle: such categorizations are incapable of doing much more beyond limiting our means of travel –mental or physical– from one plain to the next.

This cruel reality is of course no secret –as the many who have exhausted years of their academic careers toward its revelation can tell you. The twentieth century saw a rise in the number of scholars who sought to break the conventional dualities which the majority of our modern, capitalist thinking patterns lead us to perceive as a given fact, the “truth” of which cannot be questioned. Inherent in this way of thought was, and continues to be, accepting the hierarchical power relations birthed out of exclusionary binaries. The contestation of such widely standardized constructs was picked up by J. L. Austin as well. Sadly however, while Austin did put one dichotomy behind him, he substituted it with another: utterances were to be happy or unhappy, felicitous or infelicitous, as opposed to “true” or “non-true.” Of course, breaking away from the neo-Aristotelian tradition of the Enlightenment era which honored truth and perfection above all was in itself commendable. The worth of Austin’s work is also in his introducing the idea of the performative: a controversial move which sparked much academic debate and squabbles, and opened up a space for the discussion of such possibilities, creating a stage full of potentialities. This potential, similar to others of its kind, generated a liminal space from which emerged the interdisciplinary field of Performance Studies.

Performance studies is situated in that connection which is impossible to forge: the connection which can be used not only to fuse together the different branches of one entity, but also to chain links among multiple entities. Performance studies can be viewed as betwixt and between; hop-scotching from theater, to anthropology, to photography, to literature, to rhetoric, to philosophy, to ethnography, to hauntology, supplementing one with the other and ultimately –going to infinity and beyond. And it is in those joyous moments of leverage, of hovering above, and simultaneously transcending across the borders of any conventional discipline, that the ontology of performance itself is understood. An ontology fixed in “liveness,” and a performative mode of being which is always on the verge of disappearance. As for the ontology of performance studies, we can conclude it to be a chimera of sorts, an intellectually eclectic method of studying the practices of everyday life. A continuous process accomplished by means of the various clever ways in which humankind has managed to engage itself with the world, and from which it has skillfully fabricated different lines of knowledge.

Having already addressed matters of epistemology and ontology –and bearing in mind a Persian proverb which can be clumsily translated as “unless there’s three, there’s no game,” probably arising from the notion of stability embodied by triangular forms comprised of three sides, and simmering down to the need to do things thrice– it seems rather immature to close this essay without attending to the notion of axiology in performance studies. Concerned with the nature of “truth,” this topic in itself appears as somewhat at odds with what Austin was trying to prove, at least in relation to speech utterances. This might lead to certain sloppy conclusions, purporting that “truth” is always a relative perception in the study of performance studies. Conclusive remarks of this nature are in large part correct: the notion of intentionality and attempts to uncover motives are considered a trap scholars should safely distance themselves from. Interpretation is fundamental in performance and its study, and is the sole thing one can ever hope to speculate about; inferences made based upon one’s own personal experiences which inform a certain attitude toward life. However, the use of the defining adjective “sloppy” just a few short sentences ago was intentional. This is because although we cannot fully understand the intention behind a performance, ideological performances should be singled out. Clearly, ideologies do have a specific take on the nature of truth: they believe in a single truth, and seek methods with which to pronounce it. Marxist devotee’s will always consider the exploitation of the laborer to be embedded in the power structure currently prevalent in the world, while feminist scholars will always believe misogyny to be the “truth” in today’s societies. While these ideological approaches have neo-Aristotelian presumptions, post-structuralists subscribe to no ideology, believing that all systems, even the one through which “truth” is understood, will be deconstructed through their own defective essence. It should be noted that here as well, similar to ontology, it is necessary to make a distinction between performance studies and performance.

In performance studies, it is the beholder who comes to life in response to the performer. It is in how one chooses to behold an action, a showing of a doing, that a performance is signified and understood. This notion of course implies the necessity for someone to audit a performance, placing a heavy weight on the importance of spectatorship and audience appraisal in its actuality. The perlocutionary act is at the heart of these performances, a placement in line with the movement away from l’art pour l’art, to l’art pour tous. These performances can range from the extraordinary epic theatrical creations facilitated by technology and exported worldwide, to the mundane ritualistic performances of everyday life carried out in the most banal way, in the confines of one’s home. They can even be as simple as a speech utterance in naming a pet, a plant, or a stuffed creature. Speech utterances which in this case, would most likely be happy, and felicitous; yet as curious creatures, it is seldom that we devote our time to their study. For it is precisely as Tolstoy puts it in the opening sentence of Anna Karenina: a happy statement is terminated, and therefore every felicitous statement resembles the next, just as all “happy families are… alike.” It is the unhappy statement that “pricks” us, the infelicitous misfires and abuses which delight our inquisitive nature, and fuel performance studies –sometimes forward, other times back– into the vast unknown pleasures of time and space.

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Confessions of a Tischaholic -1- things I learned in school

weeks 1, 2, and 3.

-how to play (with?) dirty harry.
-Adrian Piper: Cornered
-life is full of awful choices.
-the future creates the past.
-shit can seriously embody the slipperiness of abjection.
-I have to read Yellowface.
-repertoires are so much more fun than archives.
-everyone's traumatized; few of us think it.
-psychoanalysis is about what two people can say to each other if they agree not to have sex.
-Freud's work on mourning and melancholia?fucking. brilliant.
-there's no such thing as boredom -as soon as you start attending to your boredom, you're technically no longer boredom.
-the denial of death compels us to act out death upon others, over and over again.
-psychoanalysis is a modern secular practice in which ghosts are talked to.
-melancholia is knowing who you've lost -yet not realizing what you've lost.
-I too have unconsciously become a mausoleum for objects lost.
-even the past is unsettled by reperformance.
-Barthes' Camera Lucida goes beyond expectations: "death is the eidos of photography" (p. 15). "photography is subversive not when it frightens, repels, or even stigmatizes, but when it is pensive, when it thinks" - "photographs of landscapes must be livable, not visitable" (p. 38)...
-theatre? tableau vivant.
-capitalism is in fact, not as natural as it may seem.
-seriously, what if a commodity could speak?
-I resent being considered a commodity.
-we all need a little bit of "Act UP."
-die-ins? genious.
-"through the media, not to the media."
-Ricardo Montez is one of god's most perfect creations.
-you have to actually experience jam-packed subway trains to understand the desire Keith Haring was alluding to.
-Nelson Sullivan was probably abducted by aliens.
-De Certeau is what I wanna be.
-racial desire is oftentimes sold.
-Dynasty Handbag thinks its cool if we call her Jibz Cameron.
-according to Jibz, "sometimes when people are telling you to be free all the time, it's very controlling."
-Barbara and her son love ponytail.
-Zizek is still an interesting fella, but that's probably all he'll ever be.
-so Lacan (Freud on high-grade cocaine mixed with hallucinogens) thinks that "love is that thing you can't have that you want to give to someone who doesn't want it" -go figure.
-people are still pretty cool with the idea of caging the indigenous as ethnographic specimens for heightened pleasure in their spectatorship.
-thanks to Dan, we all now know that "loving musical theater doesn't make you gay -it just makes you awful."
-you shame, and are shamed.
-lots of times, i can't read my own handwriting.
-what does it mean, to write about something you love?
-"in times of great danger I try to understand which words have no footfall and sorrow apprehends."
-one cane dare to allow for the failure of interpellation.
-"straight" moments in the p.s. may be few and far in between, but they do exist.
-if someone graduates without queer sensibility, i don't think it should count.
-assigning readings from Lacan is considered a form of punishment by most professors.
-best high yet? Shoshana on the seductiveness of Don Juan and J. L. Austin. mmm.

to be continued...


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May 11, 2010

Take 13: Got Book?

"Did you sell your books?"

"I'm sorry,... were you talking to me?"

"Yeah, I said did you sell your books -your textbooks?"


I stared back at her. Blankly.

I haven't sold any of my books since I was in 6th grade. High school was coming and I figured I should move on, sell my "Babysitter's Club" collection... I never got over my regret for that one single impulsive decision: I sold a part of me.

I don't sell books.


***

I've never quite cared for "owning" a house. Or property... My home doesn't make me -I make it.
Ironically though, I've always wanted my own little private library... I haven't sold any of my books since I was in 6th grade -14 years and counting. Maybe someday, maybe a small one with asymmetrical shelves...

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May 6, 2010

Take 8: mon coeur est presque nu

And just like that, it came to an end. Someone's out of town, someone hasn't been responding to texts, I fell asleep, and so, rather unceremoniously, we each said goodbye to an undeclared tradition which I only now realize looking forward to has helped me salvage through the endless weeks of this cruel semester.

And years from now, I'll be thinking back on our little Thursday Night Equipe and posting blogs tagged as "nostalgia"... the ENGL 104 TAs, all our pseudo-serious discussions and arguments over food and drinks, revolving around whether or not "sex" actually exists, or whether it's merely another social construct born out of the distinctions made between heterosexual/homosexual acts; whether ideas can be formulated without language; whether there's any truth out there; whether the body should be dumped completely in feminist theory; how I initially cursed at the person whom I misconceived as an illiterate editor when I came across "bell hooks" in an article...

If nothing, it was a great practice of stepping out of your own bounds. Of comprehending that by trying to grasp the logic behind someone else's reasoning, you're not necessarily buying their account of reality, yet you can appreciate their understanding of the world for what it is. It's not an easy art to master, and I personally believe that educational institutions, in a manner which is strikingly similar to that of religious institutions, aim to teach us the exact opposite of this. Which is why so many professors are blacklisted even here, in a nation which boasts its allowance of free speech. Which is why I've been touched to the point that I, Ms. More-or-Less-Didn't-Attend-School-for-the-First-Three-Years-of-Her-Undergraduate-Study-Cause-I-Was-Too-Cool-for-School, have decided to continue in academia, to always have it as a part of my life, no matter how small. Not so I can "impart wisdom" (right?), but rather because I feel I learn so much just by being in a classroom full of different voices and experiences. I hear the real stuff - all that you can't find in a textbook.

I finally went ahead and cut my hair. I'd been so focused on trying to appear older than the students I was teaching that I was trying to control everything about my appearance: avoiding jeans (fail), no backpacks (fail), formal shirts (fail), wearing heels (fail), highlights (big-time fail), straight hair (almost gone)... To make a long story short, less eccentric, and more... well, credible. I realized that I'll probably never look intimidating to them (a few of my mentors actually made a point of telling me this) and, more importantly, that I didn't want to come across as domineering anyway. And now I'm rambling, because I really want to say something else, but can't bring myself to. Instead I'll pursue my endless wandering until I wear out the circular path from my heart to my head...

The English students would tell me to go for it; Crazy liberals, indeed!! But I know that I'd get more than a few (well-deserved) frowns from my Comm friends if I were to ever act upon this inconceivable impulse. So, while I sit here trying to resolve my inner conflicts in cyberspace, I'll keep listening to Francoise Hardy, remembering why it is I've always tried to speak my mind in such circumstances...

Et je serai poussière, pour toujours demain...




ps having read over this, I realize fully well just how narcissistic I come across... At least I'm open to criticism.

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May 5, 2010

Take 7: On this day in 2009...

I hadn't been that happy all year long.

Delightedly gliding my hungry eyes over the stark nakedness of my room, I called a friend to let him know I was ready. Ready to take flight; ready for nights full of warmth and laughter, music and dancing, friends and family, tears and passion, glances and stares; ready for nights which started late and ended too late; ready to sleep in my own bed again, surrounded by my red walls, books I've cherished as uncovered hidden treasures, overt yet subtle hints of friendships and acquaintances sliding in and out between the memorabilia covering every inch of the dark rick cherry-colored wood...
I was ready to go home.

I still remember the cropped pants and boots; the long argyle socks I'd made sure to pack somewhere easily accessible, to cover with the few inches of flesh peeking out from between the two; the blue shawl and gray shirt tucked away to be taken out before boarding for Tehran; the frilly smock that I planned to substitute for a manteau; the caramel macchiatos and blueberry muffins; the unbearable humidity which had brought with it the warmer weather I had longed for, yet been denied since the moment I stepped out of O'Hare on 9/3/08. It was May, the 5th, 2009, and I had a million pieces of luggage and not enough hands, my travel backpack that was dangerously close to dragging on the ground, and a return ticket to the arms of my dearests, to a city I love.


The flight to Istanbul was pure magic: A gorgeous and kind flight attendant who taught me to say "teşekkürler," switched my meal with a vegetarian one without complaining about my negligence in requesting one when making my reservation, and tried to make conversation despite his broken English during the 12-hour, nearly empty flight. I was so well-rested by the time I stepped out into Ataturk Airport that I merely smiled when I was told of the increase in my layover time. I found a small cafe, bought me some caffeine, and sat down to, well -um- homework. Pathetic, but I'd been in such a rush to get out of Northwest Indiana, and to make it in time to work at the Int'l Book Fair that I left well before the semester was over. Luckily, I realized that I hadn't packed my notes, couldn't write the paper, and started a random conversation with the stranger sitting next to me (a move I later paid back for with the single A- that ruined my 4.00 - yes, I'm a geek).

The book fair just started today in Tehran. Tehran, one of my two city, the one which I found myself crying rivers for, in anticipation of it's gripping embrace.The same city that I couldn't even walk around in when I was first forced to move there, despite my continuous bickering... An over-populated, highly-polluted metropolitan sprawl with no clear architectural planning in its design... An ugly city... home to 15 million people every day. The same city whose trees I'd fallen in love with once I lowered my guards and moved past my knee-jerk reaction of dislike for the non-pretty.

The plane's descent was accompanied by my inexplicable, dizzy tears, chocked back and silenced. I pulled my shawl up to my head, using its soft tassels to cushion my tears' suicidal falls... A billion shimmering lights twinkling in the valleys and mountains down below, the buildings seemingly stretching on infinitely... The faint smell of smog evading my soul once again...

I was home.

But, this year, there is no home. There are phone calls from home, talks with all the usual suspects. My dad who told me it's just this one year, and promised they'd come visit me instead. My mom who still insists I shouldn't worry about money, that they'll pay for everything, and that financial independence is overrated anyway.

My sister who spoke to me of her first day at this year's Book Fair, and of all my former coworkers: Davoud, the philosopher, who had added a beard to the mustache I absolutely loved on him, and will maybe one day decide to marry; Elham, my beautiful, dainty partner in crime with whom we sold the classics and the poetry; Javad and Sadra who'd been joined this year by their brother Reza; Mahya who was working alone in Saba's absence this year; and Momeni, aka Meimoon Derakhtiye khodemoon, who is still as annoying as, and this year more protective of her than ever.

I wonder if he'll be back. The boy who I sold Camus' "The Stranger" and Constant's "Confidence for Confidence" to, along with a copy of Homer's "Iliad and Odyssey" for his cousin. The one who came back the following night and bought a second copy of Homer's masterpiece, then held up a book for me to see, asking if I'd read it, and proceeded to leave it on the counter while walking into the crowd, telling me he'd bought it for me. I ran after him with my flip-flop-less feet, the same ones he'd commented on a few times... I asked him his name. Young and foolish, he promised me we'd meet again, that names meant nothing.

He said he'd be back this year. I wonder if he really will...

I won't be back. I'll be here, packing my things, anticipating another empty apartment, feigning permanent residence till the day I pull on my traveling backpack, denying the simple truth that I'll have to bid farewell to the people I've come to love out here...
There's nothing sweet about parting. There's just something very sorrowful to those sweet moments of reunion.

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On this day in 2010, I finally changed the timestamps, so they'd reflect GMT -06:00 instead of GMT +03:30... I'm now living on the wrong side of the equation.

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