"شبي در خواب و بيداري بر مهتابي ياسگونام ديدم دو بوتهي آويزان كه در بر ميگرفتند رز عاشقي را به چشم خويش ديدم ارغواني گشت رز سفيد افسوس كه با نخستين بوسهي عشق گلبرگهايش از آتش سوختند و با درد ريختند. كه گل نازك و شكنندهاي بود..."
And I'll miss the girl who I'm certain I'm best-friends with in some distant parallel universe, where life consists of drama, sunshine, beach balls and hockey; and the boy who reminds me so much of myself, his nonchalant ways speaking volumes of the turmoil he hides inside, an anxiousness I can't put a finger on...
On certain spring days, it's perfectly fine to play xmas jingles. It's perfectly fine to dance to the beegees, overdose on pistachio ice cream, and hug, soberly. Perfectly fine to doze off under the sprawling sun; and then hazily discuss "the past" and not the past.
On certain days, it's perfectly fine to let go. It's perfectly fine to lean back, strip bare. to melt away, sweat in the heat. Perfectly fine to twinkle your eyes, knowingly; and stand out of position, purposefully.
Today, it was perfectly fineto be good, and not just fine.
The little things do matter. These are the people I want to be associated with. People who care.
"My dear, I have just rescheduled an ultrasound so that when I go to campus on Thur I can see you! I am sorry I just "lost it" this weekend. I have been sleeping only about 4 hours a night and with difficulty. A lesson for young women in this is do take care of your physical health when you are young. Don't let employers, school, institutions, etc., push you to the extreme limits of your physical capacities. Say NO to some things! And consume lots of calcium. Ok, I am rambling. That might be the pain killers. I have a meeting at 12:00 that should end about 2 or 2:30. Now that you are having to leave early, please know that you can stay at my condo in Chicago. I live alone and there is plenty of room (my daughter stays in the city and her room is free). Also, it's more fun here than Hammond!!! Call me. I am at 708-------. The paper is YOURS--don't ever forget that in this post-democratic society. Sometimes instiuttions will try to claim your academic work as their own, esp. if it's electronic material. So feel more than free to post on your blog. And I strongly encourage you to look for a journal that will publish it.Oh, I forgot to mention that you have an A in the class! I always forget that we finally have to post a grade. It always seems like an afterfact in a grad course where the work is so good. Hugs. C"
----------------------- I never thought it possible, but I'll miss PUC. I'll miss the beautiful people. And you.
Your feet tangle in red ribbons ablaze I continue to draw with both hands my red lines eyes glinting impishly.
I continue to draw with both hands first with one, then with the other the red lines for you to venture across on your way to conquering the rich warmth of my heart.
And just like that, it came to an end. Someone's out of town, someone hasn't been responding to texts, I fell asleep, and so, rather unceremoniously, we each said goodbye to an undeclared tradition which I only now realize looking forward to has helped me salvage through the endless weeks of this cruel semester.
And years from now, I'll be thinking back on our little Thursday Night Equipe and posting blogs tagged as "nostalgia"... the ENGL 104 TAs, all our pseudo-serious discussions and arguments over food and drinks, revolving around whether or not "sex" actually exists, or whether it's merely another social construct born out of the distinctions made between heterosexual/homosexual acts; whether ideas can be formulated without language; whether there's any truth out there; whether the body should be dumped completely in feminist theory; how I initially cursed at the person whom I misconceived as an illiterate editor when I came across "bell hooks" in an article...
If nothing, it was a great practice of stepping out of your own bounds. Of comprehending that by trying to grasp the logic behind someone else's reasoning, you're not necessarily buying their account of reality, yet you can appreciate their understanding of the world for what it is. It's not an easy art to master, and I personally believe that educational institutions, in a manner which is strikingly similar to that of religious institutions, aim to teach us the exact opposite of this. Which is why so many professors are blacklisted even here, in a nation which boasts its allowance of free speech. Which is why I've been touched to the point that I, Ms. More-or-Less-Didn't-Attend-School-for-the-First-Three-Years-of-Her-Undergraduate-Study-Cause-I-Was-Too-Cool-for-School, have decided to continue in academia, to always have it as a part of my life, no matter how small. Not so I can "impart wisdom" (right?), but rather because I feel I learn so much just by being in a classroom full of different voices and experiences. I hear the real stuff - all that you can't find in a textbook.
I finally went ahead and cut my hair. I'd been so focused on trying to appear older than the students I was teaching that I was trying to control everything about my appearance: avoiding jeans (fail), no backpacks (fail), formal shirts (fail), wearing heels (fail), highlights (big-time fail), straight hair (almost gone)... To make a long story short, less eccentric, and more... well, credible. I realized that I'll probably never look intimidating to them (a few of my mentors actually made a point of telling me this) and, more importantly, that I didn't want to come across as domineering anyway. And now I'm rambling, because I really want to say something else, but can't bring myself to. Instead I'll pursue my endless wandering until I wear out the circular path from my heart to my head...
The English students would tell me to go for it; Crazy liberals, indeed!! But I know that I'd get more than a few (well-deserved) frowns from my Comm friends if I were to ever act upon this inconceivable impulse. So, while I sit here trying to resolve my inner conflicts in cyberspace, I'll keep listening to Francoise Hardy, remembering why it is I've always tried to speak my mind in such circumstances...
Et je serai poussière, pour toujours demain...
ps having read over this, I realize fully well just how narcissistic I come across... At least I'm open to criticism.
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